Gemini Geriatric: My Annual Annoyance

Why must we celebrate birthdays? Who ever thought up this aggravating tradition should be burned at the stake on a stack of cheap grocery store cake candles. This is the one human custom that causes me almost as much angst and anxiety as do-it-yourself dental procedures. Why do we have to celebrate the fact that that we have grown more gray hair, found more wrinkles, and experienced a decline in physical condition over this time last year? It’s ridiculous. Those who celebrate it with grace dignity are lying to themselves. Those who make fun of the effects of growing older are just plain tacky.

Birthdays, like Christmas, are for children. Children get excited when they are surrounded by crowds of friends and family pretending they are the most important thing in the universe for a day. I’m old enough to know that I’m not, so why make a big fuss? After you’re old enough to have voted in several elections even parents have a hard time remembering the day you were born. So, why not just forget about it, okay? If I can’t remember having more than twenty or thirty birthdays, then why not just say that’s how old I am, twenty or thirty. We’re allowed to estimate our taxes to the nearest dollar amount. So, why don’t we estimate our age to the nearest decade? Rounding down, of course.

Who is the event for, anyway? Is it for the one with the birthday or for the friends and family? If the celebration is for me then I shouldn’t be bothered with the planning or execution of the event at all. If it’s my event then I shouldn’t have to work for it, right? If it’s for the family, then just tell me. I’ll give you a wad of cash and a cardboard effigy of myself and all can pretend I’m with them. My favorite way to celebrate the thing is to not be bothered or inconvenienced by all that.

I get so annoyed by birthdays, all that annual repetition of the thing. It becomes so monotonous after several years. I’m annoyed by the fact that I’m expected to be happy about my birthday so that the celebrants can feel good about what they’re doing for me. I’m annoyed by experiencing guilt and feeling under obligation to reciprocate those who feel I deserve a gift for having lived another year. And most of all, I’m annoyed at being reminded that I’m one year closer to dementia, arthritis, bifocals, and questionable bladder control.

Yes, all may grimace at my whining. I’m being a grouch about the whole thing. This attitude about it demonstrates that I have already drifted from the category of “eccentric old uncle” to “cranky old coot.” Geezers like me don’t deserve birthdays, so let’s just skip it this year, shall we?

Flickr photo credit: Erin Dollar

Artistic Discomfort

As many of you know, I work exclusively from photo references when making my drawings and portraits. Part of that is due to the fact that I’ve never taken a life drawing class. I am pretty much self-taught through books and art magazine study. The other part is because I would feel very self-conscious asking someone to pose for me. I would feel so embarrassed if someone offered to pose for me, trusted me to see them in an exposed and vulnerable fashion and then the work I created was less than high quality and didn’t do justice to their confidence in me.

When I saw this Saturday Night Live sketch it crystallized every fear that I have about drawing from life. The creepy factor in this video is so uncomfortable to watch. But, its funny too. Isn’t that the way most uncomfortable situations make you feel? Why is it we find inappropriate behavior funny? Such as, laughing in church, squirting milk through our nose at dinner, or accidentally farting in a profoundly quiet place like a library or funeral home.

Enjoy the video. I personally think that both Paul Rudd and Andy Samberg are the perfect combination of hysterical funny and colossal cutie pies. But, when I see them in this video I have to keep averting my eyes due to the “Ewww, yucky!” feeling I get from what they’re doing. All the while I’m laughing my butt off. I thought Paul was a scream in Forty Year Old Virgin. Its been nice to see that he has gained more and more exposure as a comic since that movie. But, for the record, he has far too much exposure in this little sketch. Don’t you agree?

This little clip comes to us courtesy of Hulu.com. I love this site. It has almost replaced TV for me. Being able to watch the reruns of almost any favorite show anytime you want with thirty second commercials is just the coolest thing ever. Besides, who wants to watch all the stupid guest host stuff on SNL and the questionable musical guests when you can watch it the next morning without all that? I have found that an hour of SNL live can be reduced to about fifteen minutes of funny skits. I recommend you check it out.

My Inner Old Fart

Back in the mid to late nineties there was a ridiculous pop psychology trend that encouraged us to nurture our “inner child”. It was a warm and fuzzy concept that taught many of us to take better care of ourselves. According to this theory we should spend some time comforting ourselves physically and emotionally everyday. Supposedly its good for the soul and mental well-being. It was the perfect kind of stuff for Oprah and her ilk to tout on their talk shows on “up with people” days.


Personally, I don’t think I have an inner child. I may have had an inner child once but I seem to recall putting him up for adoption or sending the brat off to reform school years ago for being a pesky nuisance. I couldn't tolerate the whining and tantrums that went on inside my head. If anything, I believe that I possess an “inner old fart.”


Our inner child is supposed to be nurtured and comforted. Our inner child should be allowed time for play, fun, and frivolity. My inner old fart doesn’t usually want to have anything to do with that kind of stuff. Comforting my inner old fart usually means stirring up a big pot of pinto beans and a pan of cornbread. Nurturing the old SOB means simply wrapping up in an old afghan and kicking back in my creaky old recliner and falling asleep while watching the second or third cycle of whatever news magazine is repeating on CNN.


This particular “old fart” personality trait is difficult to assimilate into my social life. I have to work so hard when I’m “out on the town” to pull off the dashing, charming and clever gay man bit. I know that I should just be myself. But, can you imagine the kind of frumpy broken down derelict I would attract if I let my inner geriatric freak flag fly? I can’t do that. Despite my elderly disposition, this cowboy still has a hankerin’ for the young ponies and wild stallions (but to my disappointment there’s really very little ropin’ and ridin’ goes on ‘round these parts).


The clothes and dry cleaning budget to disguise the real me gets darned expensive. When nobody’s looking, I’m a sweat shirt and pajama bottom kinda guy. Elastic waistbands are our friends. Fortunately, the body is still in a younger time zone than the attitude. But, I’m not going to be taking any chances by slouching around in something that makes me look ready for the nursing home while hunting for hotties.


I’m glad I’ve gotten that off my chest. They say confession is good for the soul, so now I consider myself purged. After that and a tall glass of prune juice the job will be complete.



(illustration credit, Henry "Hank" Brown at flickr)

Are You Kidding?

Is it just me or does anyone else see the humor in this?

For pity's sake, do they actually have editors at this newspaper? Do they not realize just how this headline can be taken out of context? Especially if the reader is possessed with a quirky sense of humor and is given access to his blog machine after drinking a little too much wine.

Now, just so all of you in Blog'o'land won't think I'm a complete idiot, I understand they're talking about money. But, comedy writers could have a field day with this little headline. Such as: "Whose endowments are being examined?", and "Who is examining the endowments?" Of course, more importantly, "Why do the endowments need to be examined? What's wrong with the endowments?" If you ask me, we just need to take the word "endowment" out of the English lexicon. I mean, what do you think of when you hear the word endowment? "Trust-fund" or "perpetual philanthropic financial contribution." Yeah,........sure you do. Me, too.

Oh, well. Enjoy your St. Patrick's Day. I guess the newspaper and I both felt the need to write about "Shillelaghs" on this most esteemed of Irish holidays.